


The Five Step Program to Renewing Your Relationship with Your Demonic Sibling

by GeekWithTea



Series: Complimentary Archangels [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Author uses her extensive knowledge of theology in this story, Crowley (Good Omens) and Gabriel are siblings, Crowley Was Raphael Before He Fell (Good Omens), Deadnaming (but not of trans character), Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Drama, Gabriel redemption arc, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, Irresponsible Uses of Therapy, M/M, Post-Canon, Rated T for language, Siblings, Trans Female Character, Warlock goes by Ash, Warlock is Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2020-08-13 00:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20165125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekWithTea/pseuds/GeekWithTea
Summary: When Gabriel is tasked with giving his sibling Raphael an official pardon from God, he discovers that Crowley has far less to be pardoned for than he does himself. Of course, Adam has never looked at a project and thought it was too big for him to handle.





	1. 6000 Years Too Late For the Way Things Were

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Welcome to my fanfic right here! This is going to be lighter than my usual fare but rest assured there will be some angst, theological debates and a lot of eleven year olds messing up psychological and restorative justice techniques. Use the life advice in this story with some caution.
> 
> NOTE: I REALIZED I MADE A MINOR CHARACTERIZATION ERROR BY MIXING UP URIEL AND SANDALPHON'S PERSONALITIES. I SWITCHED THE TWO CHARACTERS AROUND.

Gabriel allows himself a guilty pleasure. It isn’t the best to indulge in the past, but today he thinks he can enjoy the bittersweet moment with more of the sweet and less of the bitter. He pulls the memory out of his mind and puts it on display, similar to the humans’ display of television.

_ They’re not children, but in spirit they are. Raphael and Gabriel are sitting on the moon, observing the blank canvas surrounding the planet soon to be known as Earth. “I don’t know how you do it.” Gabriel kicked his foot out glumly. Raphael in the middle of creating a nebula with a dash of gold and purple turns to look at him. “Doesn’t the mess bother you?” _

_“Mess?” There’s both concern and humour in his voice. “It’s not a mess. It’s creation. Like an art canvas! You can do what you want with it!” Raphael stores the nebula in his robe and sits down beside Gabriel. “What’s the matter?” The notebook slams shut. Gabriel suddenly feels more self-conscious about his own creation, even more so than when the others made fun of him for it._

_ “…Nothing.” _

_“You know you can’t hide from your big sibling.” Raphael chuckles, ruffling Gabriel’s hair. “_

_I’m your compliment! We were born at the same time!” Gabriel fusses, holding the notebook closer to his chest, even if it means that Raphael is going to be infinitely curiouser about what is in the book. The book miracles out of his grip. _

_“What’s in here?” Gabriel’s eyes widen. “No! Stop!” He tries to tackle his sibling but he hasn’t grown up as big as Raphael yet, and a single hand to the forehead is all it takes to hold him back. Raphael flips through the pages and suddenly stops on the last page. He’s reading it, and Gabriel tries even harder to grab at it. _

_“_ _Gabe, this is brilliant! Why are you hiding this? You should show it to everyone!” “_

_No! They all made fun of me!” _

_“No, they won’t…wait. Gabe, that was past tense. Did somebody already make fun of you?” The fight, though not the spite sapped out of Gabriel and he turned his body away from Raphael, who made a slight coo in his voice. “Oh no…I’m so sorry. Tell me who and they won’t be making fun of you anytime soon.” Arms wrapped around Gabriel’s back as he sits with his arms folded and unruly rust coloured curls mingle with tamed black curls._

_ “…I just wanted to make some order. If the humans have patterns, they can make stuff themselves.” He mumbled into his arms, and he felt a small kiss on his forehead. “All I drew was a stupid shape. You make stars.” _

_“Brother, I think there is more potential for this Golden Spiral than you realize. There’s going to be all sorts of humans on earth. Ones that are artsy like me, and others that are smart like you.” _

_“You’re smart!” Raphael chuckled with a little more self-doubt than Gabriel thought he should have. _

_“And you’re creative.” The arm on Gabriel’s right shoulder patted it. “You know…I’ve been given a project recently. It’s a planet called Saturn. What if we combined our smarts and our creativity and made a planet? I don’t think she’ll mind once she sees this thing you made. What did you call it?” “_

_….” Gabriel paused. The chuckling was bad, but once he said the name, it was uproarious. _

_"Do we need to come up with one?” _

_“No…it has one. Golden spiral.” He winced, waiting for the inevitable laughter._

_I_ _nstead of laughing, Raphael smiled. “Perfect! So, when the humans find it, they’ll be more likely to call it the same thing.” Raphael pulled the nebula out of his pocket and altered the shape just a bit. It had the familiar swirl that Gabriel created, and he released it into the sky. “And if she says no, the Golden Spiral is now real.”_

There was a knock on the door.

Quickly, Gabriel pulled the memory back into his mind and sat up in his chair. “Come on in.” \

Uriel walked in and sat on the chair in front of Gabriel’s desk. “I keep forgetting how much room you have in your office.”

“Only because I keep everything organized.” There was a reason their offices were on the side of heaven. Three thousand years ago, Uriel had trashed his office after Gabriel had tried to reorganize it out of the goodness of his own heart. It had been a sheer miracle that no one had been discorporated in Heaven that day and Aziraphale had been able to negotiate two hundred years of radio silence in exchange for his own silence.

“Anyway, there is a letter for you to deliver. God’s decided that she wants to reward Aziraphale and Crowley for fucking up the Great Plan.” That stung already. It was a miracle that none of them fell for their actions, though Gabriel had received a significant demotion with Michael taking over as the head of the angelic forces. “She’s giving the demon an official pardon and thinks you should do it.”

“An official pardon?” Gabriel blinked while Uriel rolled their eyes.

“You like giving good news and ‘great joy’ to people and you haven’t done it in a while. Plus…” They didn’t say anything, but the look on their face said they didn’t like it.

“I’m not exactly fond of Aziraphale and that demon paramour of his.” Gabriel opened the letter regardless. “It’s bad enough that She told us after the fact that she didn’t want this war and ngk.” “Ngk? What is a ngk?” Uriel snickered at Gabriel’s wide-eyed expression. There was a lot of information to process here. It was only two words, but it filled him with a wild range of unorderly emotions that he despised, and one he almost reveled in.

The glowing letter was addressed to Raphael, (alias: Crowley, Anthony.)

“We…never repeated the names of the Fallen, did we…? Certainly not Raphael…” Suddenly, Michael was walking over and with a quick wave of her hand, Uriel went to find something better to do.

“Is everything alright, Archangel Gabriel?” His eyes lingered to the miniature jar of sparkling dust from Saturn’s rings but shook his head.

Realizing that the shake of his head could have counted as an answer to her question, he grinned at her in a professional capacity. “I’m fine.”

“…I only learned today. If I had known I would have told you sooner.” Michael looked sympathetic. “Even with my back channels there was no word of it. He was a duke after Eden, but rankings didn’t carry over in Hell.”

“Well, it’s no matter. Soon, everything will be right as rain with this.” He held up the letter, and with a slight adjustment to his tie found himself in a back corner of Soho London.

\--

“What are you doing here?” Crowley-no, Raphael growled. He knew it had been foolish to expect that the whole meeting would go perfectly well, especially if Aziraphale had told Raphael about the “_shut your stupid mouth and die already_” nonsense. However, he wasn’t expecting this much vitriol.

Steeling a breath like a mild adjustment of the corporeal spine, he clapped his hands together in a friendly gesture. “Delivering good news and great joy.” His smile faltered when Raphael’s frown grew deeper, but he pressed onward. He certainly had been told about that slip. “You have been issued a pardon! Not for the whole Apocalypse thing…that was a…” He coughed “…miscalculation on our part, but for your demonic actions! She was so impressed-“

Raphael snapped his head back in laughter. Was this joy? It had to be joy, right? Gabriel laughed too, but a bit more nervously, just in case he was reading the situation wrong. He wasn’t the human expert, and the two agents had gone native.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Raphael’s voice carried its usual bite, but the deadpan tone and the casual shift of the glasses towards his face felt like the bite drew blood.

“No, I’m not. You’re forgiven! Tabula rasa! Your entire destiny is now at your will, and you will get to choose your destination once the…well the Ineffable plan’s apocalypse or world ending or what she has in mind occurs.”

He handed Raphael the piece of paper. “From the Word of God herself.” “Forgiveness…” Raphael let out a humourless laugh and shook his head.

Something pinged in the Archangel’s soul. Clearly, his brother was upset. It was understandable, to be separated from such pure love for 6000 years only to get it in open arms. Who knows what he had been forced to do in the name of Hell. “…Raphael.” He murmured under his breath, shuffling towards his brother. He didn’t make any motions because he wasn’t sure what his brother wanted, but this was turning into less of a messenger task and more of a-

_ SLAP_

-brother thing. Gabriel stared, eyes wide and his hand covering the stinging flesh on his face. Raphael had an unbearably large snarl, bigger than any Gabriel had seen on his face when he knew who he was. “Oh fuck off, Gabriel! I’m not some lost, delicate soul and I haven’t been fucking Raphael in forever! We have 6000 years of history and you want to tell me that once you figured out who I was or that Mommy put me in the good books again that I should just ignore the absolute shithead you have been to Aziraphale and I you have been for six millenia? As far as I am fucking concerned, you have been my personal enemy longer than we have been some sort of ‘siblings.’”

There was rage, and there was the laughter. Gabriel hated the laughter. “…We made Saturn together.” Gabriel protested, and he hate how weak he sounded. _You’re my compliment. My family._

“Yeah, and you set my partner on fire! Or how you harassed him! Or how you wouldn’t let him heal nearly the amount of humans he wanted! How you looked at me like I was garbage under your fucking shoe. Not to mention the fact that you tried to have this entire planet destroyed for a dick measuring contest! I have 6000 years of reasons to hate your fucking guts! Don’t pretend we are suddenly family because you figured out who I was. Aziraphale is my family. Not. You.” His lips were curled in a mix of a snarl and smile, perpetuated by that damn laughter.

If Gabriel didn’t leave right now, he was going to do something he would regret. He wasn’t sure what it was yet, but damn it if he didn’t want Raphael to see it. “Well then, Archangel Raphael. If you are too emotional for this, then I suppose I will just leave this with you.” Gabriel sniffed, doing his damn best to keep his face neutral and preserve his dignity. He miracled open the door with a casual flick of his wrist.

“It’s the _Demon Fucking Crowley_ to you!” He screeched as the door slammed behind him.

A child, probably about eleven glared at him. “What are you looking at?” Gabriel growled, feeling his temper slipping.

The girl stood up and shoved the door open behind him, causing him to stumble on the steps and slammed it shut. Trying to take another step to just maintain some, some semblance of dignity, he walked down the stairs with his head held high. Golden blood pooled slowly in his gripped fist from the sensation of nails piercing his corporation. Snapping his fingers, he found himself a shelter in a forest that he didn’t recognize, and sat waiting for the sun to let the stars take the reign of the sky.


	2. A New Arrangement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has become a believer in second chances, and finds someone who might deserve one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG thank you for all the kind words and your patience. I've written three drafts of this chapter but this was the good one. Now to finish off the rest of my semester.

Adam frowned deeply looking outside of the clouds. He was supposed to go to the beach, and on beach days it was always sunny. In fact, the newscasters had said all week without a doubt in their prediction that Tadfield was going to be sunny. He had put a significant amount of power into keeping that a reality. However, it was pouring with frequent thunder and lightning strikes, which was his least favourite weather. Dog trembled in his lap, which made him dislike the storm even more.

In fact, the storm felt…funny. Like something manufactured. Not the control of the Christmas Eve snowfall, but erratic. It wasn’t like the apocalypse either in where it felt manic and uncontrolled. There was a manic energy, but an apathy to it. He remembered when Pepper’s little sister had thrown that tantrum in the grocery store, with both the raw fury at not getting the cookies, the controlled manipulation in location and the absolute apathy and disregard for the others around her. That’s what it was. A tantrum.

Come to think of it, the storm did come on rather suddenly. Storms tended to build up, and even if they let a sudden burst of rain out, they would at least appear overcast first. There had been no clouds earlier, and it was like they had been pushed there. He opened the chat and saw Pepper had sent him an angry face. So he wasn’t the only one to come to the conclusion of a supernatural storm.

“Not me.” He responded, saying the words out loud as he typed.

[Who ruined beach day?] Pepper griped.

[Ash doesn’t have any supernatural powers, right? Just humanly terrifying, right?] Brian’s questions were valid, and Adam frowned at the concept of her gaining powers. Ash was the former child of the American Ambassador and now child of his Godparent, Crowley due to a reality shift that she had demanded, and Crowley had consented to and was terrifying. He would face down Satan and an army of pissed off immortals for years on end before irritate Ashlyn Francine, who had barely forgiven him for ‘stealing’ her birthright and parents.

[Guys…the center of the storm is in our fort. I just googled it.] Wensleydale fretted, which was revealed using two emojis.

Adam hesitated, before running and stepping outside with Dog. Using his own powers, he cleared a significant amount of the storm. When he took three steps, the same amount of storm returned behind him and went away in front of him. As he had been only meaning to investigate slightly, this confirmed that he wouldn’t be too over his head.

[Let’s go to the fort.]

\--  
Even during the apocalypse, Adam never knocked down trees. After all, part of ending the world was to end climate change, and you would never clear away trees. At least climate change had been fixed, but tax fraud, labour shortages and bigotry were too human for even the antichrist to erase. It also looked like it had been placed there.  
Pepper looked at the tree, and with an accuracy that Agnes Nutter would have been jealous of, noted. “It’s like someone got angry, uprooted a tree, and then noticed the bird nest on the one beside and chose to lay it down gently. Oh, and our tire swing too.” 

It was true. The tree’s roots were ferociously mangled, but the rest lay perfectly parallel to the bird’s home and the tire swing as if it were laid there like a baby in a crib. The Them turned to look at Adam. “Don’t look at me, I didn’t do this. You guys already knew I’m not responsible for the storm.

“Maybe Sergeant Shadwell watched Evil Dead.” Pepper snickered. 

“You can’t knock down a tree with a finger.” Adam scoffed. The snickering grew louder and in chorus.

“It probably was something supernatural, like the storm.” Wensleydale noted with a bit of a frown.

“It wouldn’t be the god-parents. It’s easy to tell when one of them is in Tadfield between the auras and 1926 Bentley.”

“It wouldn’t be Satan. Someone who bursts out of the ground like that wouldn’t be so ordered with a tree.”

“What about that angel and demon who organized the war? The one with the flies and the bourgeoisie prick?” Pepper frowned in thought. They all nodded. That was a possibility. Alongside any angels or demons they hadn’t met yet. Whoever it was had a significant amount of power, but not enough that Adam felt in significant danger.

There was a voice in the background and all of them ducked into the bushes. Facing off the Four Horsepeople and ending the Apocalypse didn’t disregard all the basic safety rules.

“6000 years, and they laugh in my face?!”

Pepper grinned, and then frowned. “Ugh, why didn’t we make a bet? It’s the prick!” She whispered impatiently. He paced into view beside the fort.

“Who do they think they is? 6000 years, not even a letter, a note or anything to let me, me! Their dear brother, know they’re alive! And…t-the nerve to slap me!” He paced out of view. Adam knew he shouldn’t, but there was a tinge of empathy there. Pepper gave him a side-eyed expression, but he didn’t make eye-contact to acknowledge it.

“It’s not fair!” His voice chokes and thunder booms in the sky, confirming what Adam had expected. “I find out he’s alive and he just slams the door in my face! Me! While I’m trying to give them an official pardon from the Word of God herself! 6000 years…” The rain falls heavier in the woods, overcoming Adam’s sun-shield. Before the torrential downpour can start, Wensleydale opens his extra-large emergency umbrella.   
“Fuck!” Without even lifting a finger, a tree is thrown into the middle of the forest and he looks like he might slump down by the one beside it but stops. Adam realizes he’s spotted the umbrella. 

Before they can move it, the angel from the Apocawasn’t ran his hands down his face in a single motion, now looking less expressive and now professionally happy. Adam cringed thinking of horror movies he had seen in the past. The purple scarf, which was out of disarray as if it had been fidgeted and tugged, was manually put into place with a quick motion. Clapping his hands together for a single clap, which coincidently ended the storm, he walked towards the bushes like an automaton with a single command. Brian and Wensleydale scrambled to get away while Pepper and Adam stood up at the same time. Brian whipped out his phone and turned on the camera. “Don’t hurt us I could upload this!”

“Greetings, I mean you no harm. I was just out on a stroll. Beautiful day isn’t it?” The angel overcompensated his blinking, and with the toothy smile, it was utterly unnerving.

“A stroll with pacing circles during a rain storm that ended when you clapped your hands.” Pepper frowned.

“Oh no, young one you must have been thinking of someone else.” It could have been rain, but there was sweat on his brow. “Perhaps a tw-“For a moment, his demeanor shifted and he turned and coughed into his arm as if the word had physically hurt him. Turning back as plastic as he had been, he smiled. “Doppelganger.”

Pepper growled. “Don’t gaslight us.”

Wensleydale murmured. “We heard you.”

Brian added. “We saw you.”

“We recognize you. Gabriel, was it?” Adam pointed. Gabriel stiffened, his purple eyes dilating just slightly. “So, what are you doing here?” Adam frowned, taking a bold step forward. Gabriel for a moment reached for something in his pocket but stopped midway as if something had slapped him away from it.

“As I said, a stroll.” His voice was thin in that voice that begged for no more questions. Adam never really was good at following orders. Adam did pause in his questioning, and walked towards the angel, eyeing him up. Gabriel backed up. “What are you doing?” His voice was less plastic and he felt the aura around him grow protective, like a cactus. One thing caught his attention. 

“Your eyes are red. Were you crying?” Adam frowns. He hadn’t been a big fan of this angel when they first met, but there was some sympathy. Then again, after the Apocawasn’t, there weren’t too many people worse than someone who directly put the entire world in danger for their own whims.

Gabriel sputtered, offended as if he’d been accused of clipping his nails on the train. “No, don’t be ridiculous! That’s preposterous! There’s not even tears in Heaven.” All of them gave each other the side-eye. It was well known by now how much Aziraphale had cried at Marley and Me. Granted, all of them had cried, but he had cried enough to debunk that statement in one fell swoop.

“We’re not judging.” Brian added. “If I thought someone was dead for a few millennia, I’d be upset too if they didn’t want to talk to me.” Unlike the stagnant plastic expression, Gabriel’s face went fluid, as if he was indecisive on what lip needed to be bit down with a mostly tight-lipped smile.

He settled with an entirely unconvincing shake of his head. “That’s not true. My sibling would…never…” The smile slowly dropped off his face as he realized he gave the game away, and he gulped for a moment.  
Before anyone could respond, an alarm bell ringtone went off. Adam lifted his finger and shushed everyone softly. It was Ash, and he’d face Gabriel over her wrath any day. Not breaking eye-contact with Gabriel, Adam answered the phone with a soft gulp.

“Hello…?”

Anyone from across the forest would have been able to hear her call, especially the five. “I am going to find that son of a bitch and break his toes!”

“…What’s going on?”

“Some cuck waltzed into my house and said something that spooked my Dad! Purple suit, punch-able face and if I have my way, a boot print on his face!” Adam shot Gabriel a look, commanding him to stay. For some reason, the angel listened.

“At the bookshop?”

“Where else would it be, barf-brains?!” For a moment, they heard Aziraphale’s chiding voice over the phone. “Barf-brains is not a swear word, Papa!” Ash yelled back, though a little less angry and a bit more defensive.

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know, but there was some big fight on the doorway! Guy was acting like a used cars salesman, but it wasn’t good. He kept calling my Dad the wrong name-“

“…the right name.” Gabriel whispered, but only Adam heard.

“Dad told him to fuck off but he was worried there were going to be repercussions to Papa or I. So, tell Pepper I need to borrow her baseball bat! If I ask, neither will let me borrow it and I lost her number!”

“Okay. I’ll go tell her.”

“Good. Dad and I are going to get ice cream, but I need that baseball bat for later!” The phone mercifully clicked off. All four stared at Gabriel intently, feeling muted versions of Ash’s anger. Crowley was a cool dude. You didn’t mess with him or Aziraphale as far as Adam and The Them were concerned. Gabriel reflected that same anger, but more defensively. 

“The girl is exaggerating. I didn’t threaten anyone, and I don’t know why Raphael would be nervous to see me. It’s been six millennia.” Adam wasn’t sure if Gabriel knew he was even talking out loud. A twinge of empathy appeared as he put all the pieces together.

“Is Crowley your brother?”

He sighed heavily. “Sibling. They were always genderfluid.”

Pepper folded her arms. “Brother. Crowley prefers gendered terms. We’ll use sister and she/her when asked.”

“…At least you’re aware. Fine. For the time being, he is my brother.” His arms folded tightly, like a petulant child who didn’t want to be wrong.

Adam continued, the pang of empathy growing alongside a tone of apprehension. “What were you doing seeing him?”

“Bestowing a heavenly pardon. She was impressed with th-his acts and decided to give him the opportunity to choose his final destination; post the official end of the world. Which will occur, but we have all been reminded we have no say or expectation for the time.”

“Well, you can’t really be that pissed if you didn’t show up for 6000 years. At that point you just don’t really matter anymore.”

A fist slammed against the tree. “I didn’t know!”

All of them went quiet, looking at the significant dent in the tree and the gold-dripping knuckles. As if it were nothing, Gabriel reversed those, and the snarl that had coloured his expression went away as quickly as it came. “Ahem.”

“So…did you think he was dead, you show up expecting a different reaction. Maybe a different idea how this day will turn out because you thought he was gone but he shows up and acts as if you just didn’t bother saying hi for six millennia.” Wensleydale noted out loud, seeming to piece it together. Pepper for a moment winced in sympathy, but it was the kind of sympathy you gave someone who you had just warned not to do the thing, but had just gotten hurt doing the thing. Adam frowned. He couldn’t imagine it. Missing someone for six thousand years only to get rejected the moment you found out you could see them. Gabriel was not a nice angel, but Adam was a worse person as far as he was concerned. Adam had been given a second chance and no repercussions. In fact, his family had expanded.

From what he had seen, Gabriel had been an utter prick, ignorant and had received a nasty punishment. Since Wensleydale’s assessment, he was looking in the direction of their feet, and had just glumly swallowed something or twitched his nose for any form of movement. If Adam could get a second chance, then so should Gabriel. Of course, Adam had to do some work. He had gone out of his way to make things better. Who else could do it but the former Anti-Christ? Crowley might be a bit miffed, but if they all worked really hard, they could convince Crowley to give a reformed Gabriel a chance.

Pepper eyed Adam. “That’s a really bad idea.” He hadn’t even said it out loud. Gabriel looked up, seemingly trying to piece together what he missed while he floated in his own thoughts.

“Not the worst idea I’ve had.” He murmured. Wensleydale and Brian turned to look at him. 

“Um…there is ten years of schooling and several years of practice to even consider doing what I think you are trying to get at.” Wensleydale noted. Brian looked like he might be considering it and Adam breathed in a sigh of relief that someone might think it was a good idea.

“Then again, the Bible…what? Adam was the actual Antichrist, I think I can cite my Sunday sermons as proof. Father Adams said he was one of the nicer angels in the Bible. I mean, he’s no Aziraphale or Crowley but like…he’s not Michael.” Brian pointed. “And at least I’m supposed to give people second chances according to it.”

“Aren’t all demons bad according to that?” Pepper rolled her eyes. “Remember? Crowley.”

“Could you please explain to me what you are talking about? I do not like to be the subject of conversation I am not privy to.” There was a dark cloud in the sky but it didn’t seem to threaten anything. Gabriel had his hands folded, and there was a twitch in his smile.

“Maybe…we can make a better second interaction? Like, we don’t know him as well as Aziraphale and I don’t think Aziraphale would want to help if the first interaction didn’t go well, but we might be able to help you win him over. He’s also really human, and we’re human, so you need a translator.” Adam noted. “Brian and I are in, and even though they don’t like the idea, Pepper and Wensleydale will probably be in too.”

“What do you mean?”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “What we’re saying is that you might know how to interact with Crowley from 6000 years ago, but he’s changed a lot since then. We’re also humans who know about the stuff he likes. Movies, games, foods…” Gabriel’s expression took on a disgusted face. “And you’ll never, ever get along with him if you don’t understand what he’s taken up because your rule book needs to be updated. But Adam is wrong that we will help. I think it’s a stupid idea because I don’t think we can cover 6000 years worth of baggage.”

“We aren’t even qualified for five months’ worth. People become doctors of psychology for that sort of thing and write papers on that.” Wensleydale quickly pointed out with a twitch of anxiety in his voice.

“Fine then.” Adam scowled. “Brian and I…”

“You don’t get to split the Them up!” Pepper growled, cutting him off. “We’re still helping even if you want to be a dunce about it!” Wensleydale nodded with the same amount of conviction he had when he told Famine about the importance of a healthy lunch.

“Stop. This is too much. You all are making so many sounds that I cannot understand what is going on.” Gabriel snapped. Rubbing his temple, he looked up after a minute or so. “So in short, you are offering to help me reconnect with Raphael-“

“Crowley.” All of them pointed out, deadpan.

“Fine…Crowley. You would be helping me reconnect with him by showing me how to understand how he is…now?” All of them nodded.

Gabriel’s eyes squinted in thought. Miracling up a notebook, he began to write with a quill pen. With the accuracy of a ruler, he drew a t diagram that looked like a cross. As he kept writing, he grew redder in the face with exertion, writing points in each section. After a few minutes, he went to write something but paused as if he couldn’t bring himself to express it. The notebook was instantly gone, and he sighed.

“…If the offer is still open, I would like to take you up on it.”

“Awesome. Now, this might take a few days, maybe a few weeks. You should probably immerse yourself in Earth culture. My parents don’t know its real but I made an attic in the house for friends to come over and sleepover. It’s a spare bedroom with a few games, and an exit point so you don’t have to be seen by my parents.” Gabriel nodded, seemingly unable to think of any reasons why not to.  
“Is there a desk? I like to keep track of my paperwork.”

Adam nodded. “There is now. We had plans to go to the beach, so you can get set up and we will start this tomorrow, right?” He held his hand out to shake. Gabriel, who seemed to understand only the concept of a handshake, held Adam’s ring finger with his thumb and pointer finger and shook it like a ragdoll, but gently.

Close enough.


	3. Lesson One: Imperfection

Adam woke to a slight pressing on his temple, like a gentle poke of a finger. He swatted it away like a fly, only the finger remained. A memory of having his hand shaken entered his mind and he groaned. His eye cracked open and noted with more than a bit of displeasure that it was still dark in the room.

“Adam? Young man? Are you with me?”

The former Antichrist stared up at the source of the finger to see an annoyingly well-kept man standing parallel to his bedside. “What time is it…?

“1:00 AM. I let you sleep in an hour for the aforementioned “tomorrow” we discussed yesterday.” He smiled as if he had been generous. Adam flipped himself onto his stomach and groaned into his pillow. He wanted to be mad, but he picked up on the discrepancy.

“Gabriel. Do you know what sleep is?” Adam looked up at the angel, hoping that this would be easier to explain.

Gabriel looked thoughtful for a moment and that thoughtfulness slowly turned into confusion. “I…understand it…conceptually. It’s an odd human past-time like eating.” The realization of how much the Archangel had to learn settled into Adam’s skull like a headache.

“It’s an important thing for people. Helps their mood, helps them think. Most people sleep into the daybreak.”

Gabriel squinted, confused. “But…you didn’t go to bed at sunset, and that’s how days used to be defined before the Industrial Revolution. If that’s what you meant, why didn’t you go to bed then?”

Adam squinted in tired frustration. “Remember? Thinking? I don’t want to talk about this now. Do you know what a clock is?”

Gabriel scoffed. “Of course, I know what a clock is. How ridiculous. That’s how I knew to be here exactly at midnight. I was just under the assumption that you could use the extra hour if you weren’t awake.”

“Uh…did you watch me sleep?” Adam made a face. 

“No, I sat in here and worked on a few forms I needed to do. I kept an eye on you, but I didn’t stare at you for an hour if that’s what you are asking.” He scoffed as if it wasn’t weird for him to just sit in a stranger’s bedroom and work.

Adam facepalmed. “Okay. Most people sleep until 7 AM. Then, they get up and have breakfast, get dressed out of their sleeping clothes and that is when the “day” starts. And then, if people are waiting for them, they don’t wait in their bedrooms. If you did that to anyone else, they’d think you were there to hurt them. In America they’d probably shoot you.”

Gabriel nodded, though he looked disappointed. It was similar to the look Pepper’s sister gave when she was told to colour more even after finishing a colouring page. “Find a way to entertain yourself for the next six hours. Outside of my room. I will knock on your door to let you know when I am ready.”

\--

Adam regretted many things in his life. He regretted starting the apocalypse. He regretted his refusal to learn how to play football. He regretted his constant complaining over piano practice. Right now, he regretted asking Gabriel to entertain myself.

“Honey, have you seen my keys?”

“Keys? Hon have you seen the plates?”

The kitchen was spotless, but it wasn’t how the Youngs would have defined spotlessness. The kitchen looked like a high-end model home, or as high-end model home as his home could get. Thankfully, nothing had been switched out, but he feared that might have occurred if he said 8 AM. Stifling a groan that only an eleven-year-old could master, he finished his descent into the kitchen. He looked up for a moment and even the roof was clean. He opened the bread box. Instead of his father’s gluten-free bread and their white bread in separate bags, they had been placed perfectly together in the box as if it had just been given to them, with alternating slices in patterns of two. He opened the silverware drawer and found the baking tools. Of course, that was where Mum left the mixer.

He opened the fridge and looked at the collection of plates placed gently on the side.

“The plates are…in the fridge.” Adam noted as if he couldn’t wrap his head around it, which was mostly accurate. Starting to understand the Archangel’s mindset, he found the utensils except the large spoons and sharp knives were in the drawer under the microwave. Opening the cabinet above the biggest counter-top revealed these. Opening the pantry, he found another collection of spoons and bowls beside the cereal boxes and canned soup, and the pots beside the noodles.

“Adam, did you do this?”

Kind of? You were at least sort of responsible for a guest’s behavior. “No,” was the only answer he could give because otherwise he would have to explain the guest and that seemed worse than them thinking he was lying right now. If Adam didn’t find the keys before he pretended, he did this, he was done for.

With a significant amount of dread, he walked to the car hoping at least it was still there. It was, and the keys sat almost patiently in the ignition. Sighing, he walked towards the car door. He tried to open it but was met with a rude awakening when a nasty shock of static electricity sent him flying into the cedar bush. He might have found the two pillows waiting that prevented his back from cracking on the exterior of the house to be kind of funny. However, as he spat out the twig, he decided he wasn’t having it. 

At that moment, Mr. Young walked to the car and with a curse opened the door. “I’m an idiot! I left them in the ignition!” He quickly pocketed them and grabbed his bag. “They were in the garage!” He lied. 

“Finally. Would you give me a ride, dear?” Doing their routine, he opened the door like a chauffeur, and she sat inside. At least whatever caused the shock didn’t affect them. Maybe it was DNA based? Or he didn’t assume Adam would need the car?

Adam stormed inside the house and slammed the door. He found lesson one, didn’t he? He was tempted to give him the riot act, as Ash called it, but he kept it to himself. If he interacted with Gabriel now, then the “day” would start, and Adam’s stomach grumbled noting this might mean he wouldn’t get breakfast. Opening the pantry and giving the side-eye to the bowl, he scooped it up and snapped a photo to let the others know just what they were going to be dealing with today.

\---

“I understand a bit of tardiness, but 9:15 AM is a bit ridiculous. You could at least give me a heads-up when your guardians leave. They happen to start their days at 6:30 and I have been waiting in here for over three hours.” Gabriel folded his arms but noticed the presence of the others. “Well…if you were gathering the others, I suppose it isn’t as egregious.”

Adam flashed Pepper a look as if Gabriel was the one being ridiculous. He had half a mind to write him up, but Adam was not his subordinate. In fairness to the children, it wasn’t like when Aziraphale had kept him waiting for a whole three months for a simple meeting. Still, there was a difference between his office and hospitable solitary confinement.

Adam took in a deep breath, as if he had somehow earned the headache. “Why did you rearrange the kitchen?”

“To make it efficient.” Wasn’t that obvious? Put the utensils next to where they were needed. The Youngs had made things unnecessarily difficult and he fixed it.

Adam opened his mouth to say something, but Wensleydale cut him off. “Did anyone give you permission?” He winked at Adam as if he thought Gabriel couldn’t see him.

“Of course not. You don’t need to ask to do good works, do you? Otherwise you are just begging for attention like, well…” He gestured his arm towards Dog who still managed to look unjustly disappointed along with the children. “What, am I wrong, Hellhound?” He sneered at the condescending mutt.

Brian snickered, but immediately shut it when all eyes were on him.

“Okay. Lesson #1 of being human. You are not allowed to modify other people’s spaces, or lives, or beings without consent.” Adam took a breath through his nose. Gabriel sputtered, offense growing easily. How rude! Sure, he wasn’t begging for praise as that was unangelic, but after six hours of work, he is getting scolded like a small child? By children?

“Young man.” He got up and pointed to where a former spot on the counter-top was. “There was a permanent stain of jam on this. It’s gone now after 30 years.” With a tut, he whipped open the pantry. “You all want to waste your precious time, in your unimaginably small life spans to walk from one side to another when you can just have everything right here?” Condescension dripped through his voice. “Your house is full of imperfections. I don’t need a thank you for my hard work, but this attitude is ridiculous!”

Pepper frowned, and with her arms folded. “Just how do you think you are going to get on with that brother of yours if all you see are imperfections and efficiency issues?”

Gabriel’s eye twitched, he violently fixed his scarf. Kneeling so that he was at her eye level, he hissed. “I don’t know what game you are playing, Miss but I do not care much for your reductio ad absurdum.”

“She’s right.” Adam folded his arms. “Humans are flawed, Aziraphale is flawed and Crowley is flawed. If you can’t keep your nose out of everyone’s business, they’ll never let you in.”

Gabriel was a reasonable, level-headed archangel. For example, it was impolite to scream in frustration during a conversation. This was especially true when the speaker had you bested. However, impulses were that. Impulses, and they had to be relieved.

“One moment. I will return in a moment.” Stiffly, he walked up the stairs into the attic. Opening the door manually, he closed it. At the moment, he missed his filing room deeply. In his office, he had constructed a sound-proof room where he kept his files. It was perfect for meetings with Sandolphan or Aziraphale when he could claim he needed to grab classified documents, close the door, take a moment to vent his frustrations and come back as if nothing had happened with the right form in his hand. The closest alternative was a big fluffy pillow that was on the bed that he hadn’t used the night before. Picking it up, he hugged it to his face, took a deep breath and screamed. It was muffled, but unlike the filing room, there was no doubt that they had heard, and decided to angrily finger-spell [F-U-C-K] to deal with the rest of the frustration. Putting it down, he put it in its proper place and fluffed it up as it had been before. He pulled the comb from his pocket and gave a quick swish, adjusted the scarf and walked downstairs with his hands clapped together.

“Yikes…” he heard one of the boys whisper as he took a step downstairs. Fighting the deepening blush, he walked downstairs, daring them to say more.

“So. Adam. What are the...rectifying steps for this lesson?”

“Return the kitchen back. Manually. But I suppose you will have to miracle back the stains.”

…What…?

He blinked, with a cock of his head. Pepper whispered something to Brian about a ‘confused white man gift’. “You want me to do…what?”

“Miracle the stains. All the imperfections have to return.” Gabriel bit his lip, and knew full well that if he hadn’t dealt with his frustration minutes ago, he may have very well screamed in the same room which would be just as improper as this request.

Closing his eyes and grimacing, he snapped. “There. Are you happy?”

Adam paused. “Also, the car security system.”

“You want your parents’ car stolen?” Gabriel was incredulous. “It’s a perfect system based on DN…oh…I see.” He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I suppose I did make a genuine mistake there.”

“You did for the whole thing.” Pepper clicked her tongue and he had to physically force his hand back into his pocket but gave a snap to remove the sigil.

“So Adam. Where should we start?”

Adam pondered the question. “The bowls seem like the easiest solution.”

\--

“Thanks Dad!” Ash kissed her Dad on the cheek and closed the door to the Bentley, remembering to be gentle with the car door for once.

He chuckled. “Don’t let the Youngs feed you too much! We still need to make that waiter cry at that stuffy buffet that Aziraphale’s been going on about. Seven plates minimum, Hellspawn!” He cackled affectionately from the open window.

“As long as you leave room for popcorn at Serenity! You can’t roast a movie without popcorn!” She grinned back.

“There you go! Love you!”

She laughed too. “Drive faster than 100 mph or you’re dead to me! Love you too Dad!” Doing a doughnut on the road, Crowley drove off gunning 150 mph. She picked up her purse, prepared with a two liter of pop and her lucky controller to kick Adam’s ass at Mario Kart.

She took a quick look to see if the Young’s car was there. Good. They were at work. Rapping on the door, she grinned. “Who’s ready to get their ass beat at Mario Kart?” The house, which had already seemed quiet, turned deadly silent and even with just a tinge of dread. As Hellspawn, a little bit of dread was a good thing. Maybe he had finally acknowledged who was the better gamer.

She heard sudden murmurs and a shuffling from the living room, followed by the -mmph! of someone being shoved and a door closed. Adam opened the door and grinned. “You are!” Except it was a lot less confident and a lot sweatier and nervous.

“Did you forget I was coming over today?” The Them shot Adam a look and he suddenly looked more nervous.

“I forgot it was today. Thought it was next week.” Adam smiled sheepishly. From the corner of her eye, she saw the others sneaking over to the closet, as if they were ready to sneak inside. With patience that would have made Nanny Ashtoreth proud, she just kept looking at Adam. He asked her if she brought the game and she nodded. The closet door opened and revealed a frustrated looking…bastard.

Him.

The jerk who harassed her Dad.

Adam’s eyes widened. “Ash, please I can explain!” She didn’t break eye contact with the purple eyed angel.

“It’s cool. I can multi-task.” She cracked her knuckles. The three quickly shielded the bastard, though at least Pepper looked a little sorry for it. Adam quickly went in front of her.

“Please Ash! Look this is really important but don’t hit him, please?”

“You. You’re the girl from the bookstore.” The look on his face was strange, with a mix of confusion, trepidation and almost understanding.

“Yeah. The one who’s going to break your nose.” She marched up, shoving Adam to the side. She swung out, but the bastard caught her fist.

“I don’t fight children, but subduing you is easy enough.” Suddenly, she felt sleepy. With a quick motion, she swung her backpack directly into his face. Ash was disappointed in her backpack. All the goth spikes and it barely left a scratch on his forehead, let alone the broken nose she was hoping for. Using that moment of disappointment against her, Pepper marched Ash to the couch and sat them down, leaning against her like a weight.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Please just listen to Adam before trying to fight an actual Archangel.” Pepper sighed.

“Like he’d be a challenge!” Ash scoffed. All of them glared at her, except the bastard who gave an irritated flick of his fingers against his forehead, removing the small scrape.

“I should probably be the one to explain. Something tells me that she thinks one of your imperfections is gullibility.” Gabriel frowned to Adam and sat in the armchair. He didn’t look entirely comfortable in it, but with a readjustment seem to function in it.

“Okay then. Talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reductio Ad Absurdum is Latin for "making the most reasonably absurd argument with the given logic".


	4. Interlude: Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I realized I made an error in Chapter One in switching up Uriel and Sandolphan's relationship with Gabriel. So now it is Uriel snarking off. So if you see an interaction that is pleasant between S and G that seems to break the Five Steps lore of them hating each other, it was a genuine error and I fixed it.

Gabriel folded his hands together. There would need to a be a bit of backstory to understand how things had gotten how they were, but surely, he would have to share from the beginning.

“Raphael, or as you know him, Crowley-“

Ash’s face soured and pulled some bottle of dark brown liquid of her bag. The cap hissed and she slammed it onto the counter. “You deadname my dad again, and you’re wearing this.”

“Ash…don’t. It’s hard to get out of leather.” Adam frowned.

“Even harder out of silk. Start again. Crowley, or as you knew him, Raphael, -“She held out her hand like she was passing him an Olympian relay torch, and dared him to drop it.

“...He and I were created as compliments, or as humans would refer to them, siblings. Twins in the celestial sense. We were designed to balance each other out. We rotated as older and younger depending on the need of the day, but there was a usual rotating hierarchal relationship based on service. In short, whoever felt the other needed the assistance of a bigger sibling took that role.” Many of Gabriel’s favorite memories were Raphael as the big sibling, but some of the worst were with Raphael as the younger sibling. Ash made a face as if she had come to a slight realization but had buried far deeper than she ever wanted to consider it. What…?

Oh.

Oh dear.

“Does that make you my niece?” He pointed out with distinct trepidation. He liked children conceptually. This was especially true of babies who hadn’t learned human language and you could just hold them with a strategically placed blanket. They made noise, but at least it wasn’t complicated with practice. Pre-teens were the hardest. If they wanted to insult you, you knew full well. Even Mary had tales to tell about a blameless preteen frightening her out of her wits by staying and debating the priests.

She seemed to dislike the idea as much as he did. “Only if Dad welcomes you back.” Her arms folded. Adam made a face as if he thought she was being rude, but figured it was safer not to tell her unless it caused trouble. There was a slight sting at the idea of being welcomed back as an ‘if’, but he buried it under a safe-guard of the ineffability of it all. She loved reuniting families, and once he learned the vernacular and traditions of Earth, it would go back to how it was before. Well, there was the baggage of Raphael’s family, who between Aziraphale’s resistance to work and order or Ash’s murderous intent had not made a good impression on him, but all good believers had to make a sacrifice here or there.

“Ahem…Gabriel. I think you left us there for a second.” Adam poked him on the forehead, and it took a moment to fully translate the garble to language.

“Sorry. Got lost in thought.”

“I’m impressed. What I’ve heard about you, thinking isn’t your strong suit.” As if to irritate him more, she popped a piece of gum that he didn’t even know she had. He glared at her. “If I can’t beat the shit out of you, I’ll just annoy the shit out of you.” She gave a grin that was oddly reminiscent of his…what had Sandolphan called it…customer service grin?

“Anyway, as I was saying…Crowley and I are siblings. We were archangels together and…” He went quiet, the words going like sand. He always hated this part, even if it appeared that the story ended differently than he thought. Without thinking, he began to fidget with his scarf and his eyes nearly burrowed into the table. Taking in a deep, grounding breath, he began.

“…Crowley was unhappy. They were concerned about the status of heaven and the war.” No. He’d risk the bottle. Just for this part. “Raphael…” If he had looked up at this moment, he would have seen Pepper snatch the coke bottle from Ash, muttering something about “you can have this back in a moment.”

“Raphael had questions. Concerns, complaints, doubts, whatever you want to call them. She was receptive and understanding. After all, a healer should be fretful over their population. They worried incessantly when Morningstar…” He spat the name and his eyes furrowed but he continued. “Tried to convince the others that he’d make a better ruler. As if Command of the Angels was not enough.” He shook his head bitterly. As far as he was concerned, that bastard was to blame for all this.

“Raphael was played for a fool. Morningstar told them that they could be used to create peace. Create a mediation.” He fidgeted with the scarf rapidly. “Morningstar wasn’t that charismatic. He would have only taken a…15th of the angels. But then they spoke. Talked about this idea of paradise where everyone could live as equals. Humans, animals and angels. Got a bunch of attention.”

He folded his hands as if in prayer and squeezed. Wensleydale yelped as a cheap vase shattered on the table, but it was restored as quickly as it had been shattered.

“And the bastard just…turned it into a rallying cry. Raphael tried to stop it, and She showed up…” His breath is less steady, and a bit shakier. He knows Adam is staring at him, the same way Michael or Sandolphan would look at him whenever the name Raphael was merely mentioned. He doesn’t dare to look, and examines the intricacies of the plain, wooden table.

“She said that was her perfect plan for the world, and that there had been nothing to fight over. And Raphael…dear, stupid Raphael.” For a moment, he sees Ash make a move to stand up, but is blocked somehow by Pepper from moving from her captive spot. “They asked if Morningstar and Her could work together to make it…just to keep the peace.”

He coughs, trying to keep some form of composure. He had to get through this part. Closing his eyes, he heaved a sigh. “…She didn’t plan to…but Morningstar riled up his group and started a fight with so…so many more than there should have been…and because Raphael gave them their ammunition, she sentenced them to fall with the others…” It was so horrific, and they were so kind, I couldn’t imagine them surviving Hell…if you would excuse me for a moment, that would be a blessing.” His voice was barely a whisper. 

He didn’t wait for permission, but he could feel the sets of eyes watching him. Once he was out of the doorframe to at least preserve some dignity, he pulled out the handkerchief in his breast pocket and dabbed at the pressured saline build-up in his eyes. Blinking rapidly, he got his corporation under control. When he sat down, he realized his eyes might have been a bit red, but no one said anything about them. Or, well, anything. 

He cleared his throat just to cut the tension in the room even a little. “Well, 6000 years later in present day, I was assigned the task of pardoning the demon Crowley.” Pepper passed the bottle back to Ash who flicked the cap off warningly.

“The pardon gave him free will to choose his location post-mortem, or the end of the world as She would declare it. It was also addressed to Raphael, which was the first indication I had that he was alive. She decided that the best form of pardon was not to re-instate him, but to allow him the choice to remain with Aziraphale for eternity. One of the other angels who knew we were close at one point informed me and I was granted permission to take it.”

Ash snorted. “Only for my Dad to laugh and yell at you to get out of the Bookshop because-“ she turned to Adam and her voice was dripping in some form of scolding “despite having a decent sob-story, this man is still an utter bastard who has been giving grief to my parents much longer than he’s been ‘compliments’ with my Dad.”

That stung. That…really stung. He scowled, but she flicked her eyebrow up as if to dare him to challenge her assessment. As if that wasn’t an easy task.

“Excuse me. If you recall, Aziraphale was my subordinate, as in it was my job to keep him on the straight and narrow. Any human business would have fired him eons ago for skipping on tasks to miss plays, wasting heavenly resources on things that tickled his fancy or engaging in behavior that would make committed contemporary souls stumble. And if I may remind you, Crowley is a demon. As an angel, my job is to thwart demonic activity.”

“Who just happened to be your brother.” Pepper muttered. Ash held a fist in midair, and with hesitancy, Pepper met it with her own. Adam snickered but immediately sobered up. Wensleydale pretended he hadn’t heard this part of the exchange. Brian pulled at his collar in discomfort.

“Yes, but that was then. As of now, he has the same status of a human but with all the rights and privileges bestowed to our…group.” They needed a better word for the unified status. Supernatural was the closest but it also included monsters such as the Kraken. “Regardless of if he accepts the pardon, he is pardoned. If he really wanted, he could choose Hell.” Gabriel internally winced at the idea, but he kept it under wraps with 6000 years of managerial expertise. “Adam and his group are assisting me in learning the Earth culture and vernacular. It’s far less bastardry and more miscommunication based on different customs.” It was simple after all. Once he learned how to speak Crowley’s language and discern his habits, it would just be like old times even if it was a bit more complicated.

Ash paused and clicked her teeth. “Cool. Now, why don’t you go…whatever you do, and I’m going to talk to that one over there.” She gestured at Adam, who suddenly looked very nervous. Pepper looked at Ash and frowned.

“Adam, do you need my protection?” Gabriel whispered as Adam dragged himself from the couch and over to where Ash stood.

“Thanks…but I think you’d just make it worse.” Adam whispered. Gabriel frowned and stood up, casually shielding Adam from Ash.

“Ash, what do you intend with Adam?” She rolled her eyes, matching the sarcastic rabbit on her shirt.

“Relax. You’re the only one I want to beat up. Would you feel better if I have this discussion in front of you, Gabe?” The nickname drawled and if he hadn’t steeled his expression, she might have seen how much that had hurt. It sounded far kinder from Raphael than this child, who had managed to drip an almost admirable amount of cyanide on her every phrase. Gabriel sat down with Adam beside him.

“I think it would be better if you didn’t hear. No offense, but she’s been holding back since we sat down.” The two walked out of the room. Brian took a huge breath as if he had been holding it, Wensleydale sucked air through his teeth and Pepper took a guarded stance by the doorway.

“It was a good idea. She’s gotten better, but she is one bitter person when she wants to be.” Pepper shook her head, ears pressed to the door.  
____  
Adam closed the door behind him and tilted his head down. Ash’s face was red, holding back exactly what she was thinking, but the eyebrow twitch revealed how bad this was going to get.

“What were you thinking?!” She screeched. “You’re trying to get the enemy! The enemy who has gotten in the way of my parents for 6000 years and almost turned Papa into a crème brulee because he couldn’t fight some big ol’ battle? And you want to make him all buddy-buddy with my Dad?! He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong! Like there’s just some weird cultural faux pas. Don’t wear black at a wedding and don’t just set someone on fire because it offends the garden party goers!”

“Yeah but-“

“I already listened to your project! You listen to me now usurper-don’t give me that look! You’re the idiot, not me! Dad still has nightmares about the bookshop and heaven! Together! Papa still does about the execution?! You of all people should know that sometimes biological family ain’t shit! Are you telling me that if Thaddeus Dowling showed up on your doorstep just pouty enough, you’d shove him in my face?”

“Ash! I’m the Antichrist!”

“Don’t remind me!”

“No, this means that there are a lot of lousy people who are still better than me! If I get a second chance, so should they! Mr. Dowling is…just a bit worse.” He may have almost ended the world, but he ended climate change, so that put him slightly above a neglectful father who tried to ship his daughter to America while he figured out ‘what to do with this whole gender thing of hers.’

“Did you even think of my Dad before you did this? Did you think about his feelings? Or did you listen to that sob-story and forgot there were other people involved?” Ash frowned deeply.

“…Family should be together. Not necessarily biological family but…if someone’s willing to try they…should have a chance. If I can create a reality where your Dad and you are related without anyone asking anything, maybe I can create a reality where he gets a chance.”

“I don’t know. Can you take away my parents’ trauma?”

Adam sunk his head to the floor. Walking to the corner, he heard the bench get kicked five times in a row. She walked back to him.

“Let me guess. I can say and yell all the shit I want but you’re just going to keep coming back to it?” He tried to answer but she held out her hand. “If you’re going to risk fucking up my parents because of some crisis you’re having over my birthright, then I’m going to be here for every step of the way. I get to decide when he can get anywhere near my Dad.”

Adam thought about it. It wasn’t the worst idea. Now that Ash knew, there was no way they were going to keep her out of it. This also did a better job of keeping her silence. “You’re right. I’m going to do this whether you approve or not, but it’s your Dad, so you might be able to measure what is needed. On one condition. Don’t take your crisis out on him. He’s got to get a chance eventually.” Adam folded his arms. She sighed heavily and held her hand out for a handshake. He reciprocated.

When Adam opened the door of the walk-in storage closet, Pepper almost tripped into him from listening in. Ash didn’t seem to pay her any mind and made a beeline towards Gabriel who kept his eyes closely on her. 

“So, I’m joining the rehab program.” Ash folded her arms. “If you want anywhere near my Dad, you got to prove to me that you aren’t a shithead anymore.”

Gabriel squinted. “This isn’t rehab. It’s simply a primer into modern Earth culture.” She patted his shoulder with a sarcastic grin.

“Yep. That’s right pal, just keep telling yourself that.” Ash rolled her eyes.


	5. The Empathy Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Them tries to figure out how to fix their patient when Brian suggests a holistic approach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't abandon this! I just got super busy with school. Hopefully it will take less than a month to finish the next chapter.

They had told him to wait. Since all five of them were going to be teaching him Earth techniques, they had wanted to discuss amongst themselves what to do but planned to be back soon. It wasn’t heated in there, but nevertheless, he found himself on pins and needles for the first few minutes until boredom slithered in.

Gabriel sighed heavily. He had been doing that a few times in the last three days, but this one was a little less depressing and more frustrated. In Heaven, it was easy to entertain yourself. Go into the office, design specific paperwork that could come in handy. Take a stroll in the Eternal City, say hello to a couple of friends and if he was lucky, he could go to that wine-bar in the centre and discuss mathematical constructs with a few of the friends he had made. 

Here?

There was no paper or synthetic quill, he couldn’t read any of the books near him and from the pictures he saw from the dresses and half-naked humans standing near water, it didn’t really seem like he’d like it if he read it. He preferred pictures of stars and the quantum over that sort of human...garbage. If he had entirely lost his dignity, he might have slumped into the couch.

“Don’t touch anything.” Adam had pointed to him, who knows how many minutes ago.

Dog seemed mildly interesting for a Hellhound, but when he had tried to touch the top of his head, he had been snapped at, and was now glowering at him on the other side of the living room.

“I suppose there’s no theories on canine physics to compare and contrast?” The dog didn’t react, and just kept staring at him. “No. That would have been too easy.”

Something attacked him from under the couch, and he leapt into the air, sword ready. Whatever it was kept making a strange vrrrrr noise. Dog didn’t even react. Worried that whatever it was might have been hell based, he quickly patted his backside for any sign of damage. It seemed fine, but the vrrr was still going. The other couch cushion didn’t make that strange sensation, so with a great deal of apprehension he lifted the other cushion. There was a thin black rectangle shaking violently with a seven number code. He poked the screen gently and a voice came out of it.

“Hello?”

It talked. It had no mouth, but it talked.

“...Hello? Who is this?”

“Is this the homeowner?” Gabriel blinked. Home...owner? Like a feudal lord?

“No, but I am staying here.” Did it have eyes? Or was it just a voice? Curiosity got the better of him and he sat down beside the device and leaned down to hear it better. “Who are you?”

“I’m Paul, from the Air Ducts cleaning service.” Paul? That was a good name. A trustworthy name. He didn’t talk to Paul often, but the conversations were good, but the man was often interrupted before they could talk for long. He understood. He liked to keep busy too. But there was another question.

Air ducks? He had heard of ducks before. One time they had met in London and Aziraphale had been hounded by a pair of ducks. Aziraphale had just said they were ducks, but then again he wasn’t the smartest angel to grace Heaven’s shores. Air ducks.

“Air ducks?” If he was from a cleaning service, surely he had to know more. He didn’t really find biology that interesting, but he was bored enough to be enraptured by the topic. He leaned in closer to the talking square named Paul to show that he was actually interested. Though, it might have been blind so he added “I am very interested in learning more about these,” for good measure.

“Huh. Usually people hang up when I say that.” Paul whispered softly, and Gabriel gasped, aghast.

“That’s terrible. People are so rude.” You should only hang up like that after telling the person that you explicitly didn’t care about the topic once they’ve had a chance to give the gist and now wouldn’t be bothered to listen if they continued. It was always a bit uncomfortable and you had to specify that it was the topic, not the person that was to be ignored if the person was sensitive, like a tartan clad ex-employee and his love of abstract poetry. He didn’t get told that too often, after all he was just naturally interesting.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.” Gabriel chuckled. “I have that problem too, don’t worry Paul. So about these air ducks?”

“Oh yeah. So when you are in a house, gunk collects in the ducts and it could cause flooding.” Gabriel winced.

“That’s unfortunate.” Poor ducks.

“Well, they have to protect the home from the weather.” There was a strange tone in Paul’s voice but Gabriel didn’t pay it too much mind. “So what we do is we go up to the roof and clean the air ducts.”

Air ducks? They were on the roof? He had to see this. Gabriel restrained the impulse though. It would be rude to leave Paul alone, especially if people were nasty and stupid and not willing to hear about these clearly important creatures.  
\--  
“So the first thing we need to do is find out how bad his empathy is. It’s got to be utter shit, but how bad is it really?” Ash pointed at them, waiting for an answer.

Wensleydale grabbed a psychology book off Deidre Young’s shelf. Pepper murmured sociological theories relating to privilege while Adam and Ash searched on their phones. Brian had a thought of his own.

“What if we just talked to him?”

Adam looked up, looking exhausted. “But we have been. All day.”

Not very nicely, even if it was well deserved, Brian thought but knew far better than to say out loud. “Maybe you need to do it a different way.”

“What? You think you can do something we can’t?” Ash squinted and he wasn’t sure if she was angry or preparing to mock him.

Out of self-preservation and faith in his idea, Brian shrugged. “Religious people tie their values to religion. I’m Catholic. Maybe I can talk to him better than you guys. Besides, Wensleydale and I are the only ones who haven’t been…er…rude and mean aren’t the right words…”

“Hostile? Aggressive?” Wensleydale offered, popping his head out of the psychology textbook. He quickly ducked under the book as the piercing stares of the Antichrist and two scarier friends switched to him.

“Hostile! That’s the word.” Brian noted, but didn’t make eye contact with the three of them to avoid any real or imaginary laser beams.

“He’s a dick. He’s a wanker. He’s both at the same time.” Ash scowled, and even though her face didn’t change, it somehow seemed more intense than before.

“You can’t just coddle someone who’s doing the wrong thing. He must learn. He’s not even apologetic.” Pepper noted. “Treating a centuries’ old denizen with the standards of a toddler? That’s just irresponsible.”

Brian didn’t often feel the proverbial lightbulb go off, as his history of shoving crayons up his nose until he was seven proved, but this lightbulb went off so brightly that he ascended temporarily to a new state of being.

“Adaptive behaviours.” Adam’s eyes widened in realization. “You can’t treat everyone the same, and sometimes they need alternative ways to learn. If you teach them with a one-size fits all approach…”

“They don’t learn.” Adam nodded. His father taught elementary school, and he had heard enough rants about how the school board didn’t do enough to help the students. “We should find out how he learns, is what you are saying.”

Brian nodded. Pepper looked thoughtful. Wensleydale flipped to the index, no doubt looking for alternative learning styles. Adam was deep in thought. Ash just rolled her eyes.

“Now there’s an insult if I ever heard one. Neurodivergence doesn’t make you act like a pompous, narcissistic ass.” She pointed in the direction of the closed door.

“He didn’t seem like a narcissist to me. Just a pompous ass.” Adam noted.

Ash chuckled sardonically. “Oh, you should hear the stories Dad and Papa tell. Just because he’s all “woe-is-me” right now doesn’t mean he isn’t that normally.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Brian nodded. “But I think I should go out and check on the house-guest. He’s probably lonely.”

Ash rolled her eyes. “That’s nice of you, but pretty sure he’s enraptured by his own dull brilliance.” It wouldn’t win any awards, but there was a distinct Aziraphale impression in ‘enraptured by his own dull brilliance.’ 

Adam looked a bit more concerned. "Do you want back up?"

Brian shrugged. "I think it's better if I go alone. Unless of course, you want to join me Wensleydale." Suddenly, he seemed more engaged in his book. "Don't worry about me. I'm the one with the silly ideas and I always turn out just fine."  
\--

Brian left the room, just enough of a plan in his head to feel confident enough in what he was doing. Of course, this changed when he looked in the living room to see a lack of archangel. Rather, he found an upturned couch cushion and Wensleydale’s phone sitting comfortably where the cushion would have been. Dog whined at the door and he wondered if maybe he’d find Gabriel outside.

He was right. But what he wasn’t expecting was to see Gabriel on the roof, putting small crumbs and chunks of bread onto Adam’s roof. “Don’t be afraid, I come bearing gifts!” What?

“Hey Gabriel!” He waved. Gabriel turned and waved back.

“Hello! I am trying to find the ducks Paul told me about. Do you know where to find them or want to help me look for them?” Ducks on the roof? Paul? His mom had complained about the Air Ducts telemarketer that kept calling their house. Could that have something to do with it?

“Could I join you?” In the very least, it looked fun even if it looked silly. “I don’t have a ladder though.” There was a loud rush of wind from behind, a strong arm lifting him by the stomach and with another rush of wind, he touched the roof tiles. Brian blinked and tried to reorientate himself as he was let go.

“That’s cool. I’ve never flown before.” Brian grinned as he tried to get his balance. “We just have airplanes, but if they move like that people don’t like it. That was awesome though.” He added for good measure, in case Gabriel thought he was trying to be critical like the others. That might come later, but for now, he was going to make them eat crow. 

Gabriel split half a crust of bread and handed it to him. Brian, who loved his ‘dank Christian memes’ joked “I guess you’d probably be qualified to give the eucharist.” 

Gabriel laughed and patted Brian on the back just a little too hard. “I mean, Mary and I drink enough consecrated wine together that we’d probably qualify for the eucharist!” The Catholic part of Brian’s brain nearly exploded when he heard the archangel Gabriel casually joke about having wine nights with the Virgin Mary, but he let it go. One of his best friends's was the Anti-Christ. Realistically, nothing would ever top that in religious irony in his life.

“So you’re looking for ducks?”

“Not just ducks, air ducks.” He had the grin of a man who hadn’t realized how badly he was punked yet. Brian found himself in a moral dilemma. Should he ruin the man’s fun and risk damaging rapport? Should he wait until he could get properly mocked by the others and lose rapport for letting him continue on? Or, and this seemed like the better option: pretend that he didn’t know that Gabriel’s air ducks were probably air ducts and keep that going if they got caught by the others so at least they could look silly together. That and cutting it short and offering to show him the nest of real birds down by the fort seemed like a good idea.

Thank god for try not to laugh challenges. “We don’t tend to get air ducks in this season, but maybe we can find one or two. I also know where there’s some baby goldfinches.” In a sign of good will, he flicked a small piece of bread to the rooftop, hoping Mrs. Young wouldn’t be too bothered by the sight of moldy bread on the roof tiles. “Now, I know a little about biology.” A lie. An absolute, utter lie. “Most people don’t really know that there are different kinds of ducks, so it’s better to say ducks. I know what you are talking about though.”

Gabriel pondered this for a moment. “Humans are rather simple minded.” The irony was strong, but the training of trying not to laugh was stronger. They also might be bothered by us going around in their space if it already isn’t their season. Will we miss them if we leave to see the finches?”

“The ducks are pretty slow eaters. The finches are really close too. The ducks show up more in the early spring-”

“Air ducks. You don’t need to pretend to be slow for me. We both understand the difference.” He grinned and patted him on the back again. Brian noted there might be a slight health risk to his shoulder for trying a friendlier approach.

There was a note on his empathy. Brian listened to him, didn’t disagree and now was considered an equal above the population. That wasn’t great, but at least he had an idea of where he was.

“Well, it’s not that people are slow, but they know different things. Like some are good at writing, others in math, but they might be bad at biology.” Gabriel nodded, though took something different out of it.

“Do you like math?” That was almost an easy answer. He hated math and had happily signed Pepper’s petition to ban math in the curriculum. Unfortunately, from the hopeful look on Gabriel’s face, he had just met the one person who liked it a lot.

“...I don’t know too much about it, but I’d like to learn.” First part was honest, second part was an absolute lie. However, the grin on Gabriel’s face suggested he had done the right thing. He took solace that if the others wanted to actually get somewhere with the archangel, they’d have to pretend to like math too. At least Wensleydale who was a bit nervous about spending time near him would have something to talk about.

“Excellent! My human friends and I like to meet up about once a human year and talk for hours about the subject. I meet up with Descartes once a month-he’s a little out there but very interesting to talk to. I can’t really understand how anyone could believe that imagining something would make it real when you can’t see it but we have such great debates!” He turned to look at them once they got off the roof. “When you die I’ll introduce you to them!” Brian shivered. It wasn’t a threat, but a fact, but his back still shivered. He didn’t seem to notice though. “Maybe you’ll even be a scholar in your own right too!” Brian blinked. He had been compared to many things, but not a scholar. Mentally, he made notes. If he saw you as an equal, or just really interested in what he had to say, he could be very friendly. The goal it appeared, was to expand his definition of an equal.

“Thanks! The finches are down this way.”

They walked for a bit, and Brian didn’t really get any of the conversation beyond recognizing numbers and some of the basic shapes but figured out where he needed to nod or show more interest. He even repeated a couple of sentences, and the man beside him looked absolutely giddy in comparison to how he had been for the past few days. 

There was a slight bit of chirping and for a moment, Gabriel stopped talking and Brian found that he understood what was going on. “That’s the finches. They normally just hatch their eggs in April, but sometimes they can go up to late August. They’ll probably be all grown in a couple of weeks.” He pointed to a nest with two little fluff balls. “We don’t want to get too close. The mom’s just getting food for them and will worry that we think her kids are snacks.”

“Ew. I don’t even eat. Eating something that has been alive…?” He almost looked a little green and wrinkled his face to the point that he remembered his Grandmother’s pug. Brian was almost tempted to pull out his phone and compare Pugsley and the disgusted Gabriel to see if he was right.

“I wouldn’t eat a finch but chicken’s good.” Brian shrugged and for a moment was sure he was being judged with the same rancor of an old lady muttering “what is she wearing?” to her equally judging old lady friend. In a way, he supposed that he could count that towards the empathy assessment, though not towards any people who had to eat meat.

“Hey, what’s that one doing…?” He pointed to one of the two fluffballs. One of them had made their way to the edge of the nest and was looking down. “That’s dangerous.”

“Well, they have to learn to fly at some point.”

“Does it even have flight feathers?” The mood had shifted, and he almost looked stressed. Brian tried to reassure him.

“I don’t think so, but sometimes they’ll practice by f-uh…tripping.” Note to Brian. Don’t say falling. Just in case.

A couple of things happened at once. The adventurous bird took a leap and stopped mid-air. No flight, but it was like time had been stopped just for that bird, except that it moved its head a little out of confusion. From beside him, he heard a deep sigh and the archangel walked to the bird he must have stopped mid-flight.

“Little one, that’s dangerous.” He chided. Brian quickly opened his phone and turned the video camera on, putting it back in his pocket. “You haven’t even grown your flight feathers in yet.” He scolded the chick. To demonstrate, he unfurled his wings and gestured to a section of his wing. “You have to get these first, or you’ll seriously hurt yourself.”

Brian stayed quiet, trying to analyze what was happening. This was important, but how would he explain it?

Gently, Gabriel picked the bird up from mid-air and with his free hand checked for injuries. “You seem to be alright, but only because I was there to rescue you.” He looked at the remaining chick in the nest. “Don’t worry, they’re alright. They didn’t fall. Keep an eye on this one, they’re too adventurous for their own good.” He turned back to the chick in his hand.

“You have to be careful. There’s only you and him. If you got too hurt, you might leave him alone and that would be bad for both of you.” For a moment, Brian wasn’t even sure he should be witnessing this, let alone recording. However, he stayed and the video camera in his pocket kept going. The bird was placed back in its nest and Gabriel started walking back. The smile wasn’t gone or even faked, but it was muted. Brian quickly sent the video to the chatroom and a couple of notes.

“We should go back. I wouldn’t mind seeing the ducks before they finish off the bread we left them.”

Brian blinked, but followed. He let them know he was coming back with their guest and said he would shut off his notifications. “So, what is this ‘infinite trumpet’ you were talking about?”

\---  
Adam didn’t expect to see Brian grinning when he came back in. Frustrated? Bored? Painfully neutral? These seemed reasonable. This? He wasn't even sure Gabriel was capable of creating joy in anyone without assistance, and that was the optimistic opinion of the group.

“I solved it! He ranks people on how they engage with them. If they show genuine interest in his ideas, they’re equals.” He paused. “I also put a Ted talk on my phone for 30 minutes on a topic he likes so I think he’ll be distracted for a bit.” Adam made a face at the idea of anyone being genuinely interested in a 30 minute lecture.

Pepper wrinkled her face. “That’s obnoxious. He wants to feel self-important before showing respect? That’s not how any of this works.”

Ash grinned, in an ‘I told you so’ fashion. “What did I say? Narcissist.”

Wensleydale however looked a bit more considerate. “So, do you have to agree with what he says, or could you disagree?”

“I…I don’t know. I didn’t really do either. I just joined him while he was trying to…uh…feed the ducks on top of Adam’s roof.”

Everyone blinked. It was so silent a pin could drop and everyone in Tadfield would hear it. Ash broke the silence with a snicker, and everyone bust into a guffaw. “Okay, but like, if I didn’t know what an air duct was, I might assume you would have said duck. Also, Wensleydale, you left your phone in the couch. We found it.” Adam could just picture it and laughed even harder, imagining the ordeal the air duct telemarketer must have faced.

Ash had to wipe tears away from her eyes and was barely understandable through the laughter. “Wait…did he answer a telemarketer on Wensleydale’s phone and start looking for ducks on the roof? Oh someone, I wish I could have seen that.” It got even louder.

“...Anyway, he immediately saw me as his equal because I offered an alternative to the ducks. I think he thinks I am a biologist of some kind. I let him talk my ear off about math and he got really happy about that and then the video where he rescued the finch.”

Everyone nodded, but Adam spoke up first. “So, he really only feels empathy when he can relate?”

Wensleydale added. “And respects the use of logic over emotion, which means that whenever we want to teach him something, he needs to know the “why” instead of just snapping at him.” Ash, Adam and Pepper gave him a withering look. “Don’t look at me! That’s what the book says!” He turned the page revealing an example Myers-Briggs test with his finger resting on the ENTJ. 

Adam sighed. “Not to mention he has his own ideas of how logic works and jumps to those first.”

Pepper grumbled. “Great. Some guy who thinks he is always right unless proven wrong. Never heard of that before.”

Ash paused, and in Adam’s opinion said the first genuinely helpful thing all day. “Yo. What if the next lesson is on perception and accepting differences of opinion as valid?”

Brian nodded. “As our resident Gabriel expert…” Four unamused faces turned to him and he put his hands up in surrender but continued anyway. “We should also be able to find the balance between right and wrong. We need to address the issue of right and wrong because if we just do perspectives, he won’t listen if we don’t acknowledge that and point out the differences.”

Pepper nodded. “I wouldn’t be happy with that lesson if we didn’t acknowledge that. Last thing we need is someone who thinks the alt-right is just as valid because it’s an opinion.” They all made noises ranging from horror to firm agreement.  
Adam nodded. “So, should we do this lesson today?” 

“Let him finish his video. I want a fucking break, and you want me to have a fucking break unless you want him to have a fucking broken nose. Besides, we’ve got time for a round or two of Mario Kart.” Ash grinned, whipping out the two controllers.

Adam grinned back. “Won’t that make you sourer if you lose?”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “You’re both immature. Besides, we all know I’m the one that’s going to win.” Adam and Ash booed alongside Brian and Wensleydale. 

“Don’t forget about us!” The boys said at the same time. “Also, we got 15 minutes before the end of the video so let’s go!”

The Wii flipped on and for a few minutes, the only challenge in the children’s lives were blue shells on Rainbow Road.


	6. Lesson 2: Right, Wrong and the Importance of Perception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Them tries to teach Gabriel the shades of grey between right and wrong with Ash spilling the tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack! Semester was utter hell but it's pretty much over. I did mention being on hiatus on my profile, but let's be real: who reads those? I still have a couple of major assignments and an exam but there is a lot more time in between for redemption shenanigans.
> 
> Also PS: there is a discussion of the 'lose the gut'. From a big person, fat shaming isn't just about beauty.

The video finished at the same time as the game. Pepper wondered if Adam had influenced it, or if Gabriel had. It seemed more likely that it was Adam, because Gabriel had been thoroughly engrossed in the video.  
“Oh! You’re…back?” Figures. She snorted. He didn’t even notice they were gone.

“Good video, huh?”

Totally ignoring the sarcasm, Gabriel gushed. “Oh it was fantastic! There is this thing called software that they use to map out all these facts and statistics and I didn’t even think you could do something like that-“ Pepper nodded, and Brian stifled a giggle knowing how much she was groaning internally at the gushing about math. Wensleydale beamed. “You mean David McCandless?”

“Yes! Yes!” He snapped his fingers. “It’s just so cool! I didn’t know you could do art and math! Last time I saw it done, I did the math and they did the art!”

“I know! We had a math project where we drew a panda using a graph!”

Gabriel genuinely gasped with a grin on his face. “Brian did you get to do that too? I know you love biology!” Brian nodded, though Wensleydale shot him a look, knowing full well that Brian copied his test off him.  
Adam walked out carrying six glasses of water. He may have been the Antichrist, but he was entirely the child of Arthur and Deirdre Young. Guests were not allowed to get thirsty. Also, carrying six full glasses just made you seem cooler for some reason. Not that Adam needed the help, he thought.

“Think we’re ready for round two?”

“Round…two?” Gabriel seemed confused, and almost a little worried. Brian looked a touch sympathetic. 

“You haven’t done anything wrong. We just wanted to make sure you got all five steps sooner rather than later.” Gabriel relaxed a bit.

Adam nodded in assent. “So…it doesn’t seem fair if we try to teach you only when you make a mistake, and we do have five lessons to go through for life on Earth.” Adam shrugged. “So, we were hoping that we could go through another lesson.”

Gabriel nodded, still seemingly wondering what his life had come to that he was getting tutored by 11-year-old children. Pepper took a deep breath.

“So, we wanted to make sure we got this lesson right. People have opinions and perceptions, right?”

“Of course. Most wrong but a few are right.” Wensleydale decided to grab the bottle of headache medication he kept in his backpack. It seemed like it could be necessary. The look on Ash’s face was close to a thank you.

“…and sometimes we have to cater to these opinions and perceptions…”

“No, we don’t.”

Pepper blinked in what looked like it was either a threat, or a reminder for self-control. “…Because it is how people understand the world. You don’t have to agree, but unless it is hurting someone-either you, someone you know or someone else-you should go along with it.”

“That…makes absolutely no sense. Little girl…” Pepper’s lip curled, and Gabriel tried again. “Little…person? Child?”

“The issue is not the gender, it’s the paternalism.” Pepper snapped. Ash grabbed a snack out of her bag and looked oddly satisfied watching the scene.

“There is such thing as right and wrong.” Gabriel sighed as if he were the one explaining a concept to the proverbial toddler in the room.

Brian nodded. He was right, but still wrong. “But is everything right or wrong? Or is it tried or untried? I think people who like vanilla more than chocolate are a bit silly-“ 

Ash flipped the bird at Brian.

“-but neither of us are right or wrong. I also couldn’t insist chocolate is better if I never tried vanilla or tell Ash she is wrong for liking vanilla more. It’s not a moral judgement.”

“What if chocolate or vanilla causes a problem?” Gabriel clapped his hands together, as if daring them to prove him wrong.

Wensleydale nodded, taking the challenge “Well, if you’re allergic to chocolate or vanilla, you shouldn’t be forced to try it. But most people aren’t allergic to chocolate or vanilla. But that doesn’t make someone wrong for liking one of those things, or right for only being able to have one option.”

Gabriel paused. “But…not everything is that…” He clicked his tongue, thinking of the right word. “Unimportant.”

Pepper was willing to concede, but Ash snapped up. “It’s important if its important to someone.” She turned to the others. “Don’t let him off the food stuff. He’s a bully when it comes to that.” The others turned to her. “He was always whining about Papa eating food. Called it gross and even told him to ‘lose the gut.’” She frowned, which was matched by four other glaring faces snapping back to Gabriel. For a moment, he wondered if he was in danger?

“Seriously? Lose the gut? That’s fat-shaming. People get eating disorders from that nonsense!” Pepper folded her arms.

“Also, his food’s really good and he finds all the best restaurants even if they’re just rich people places. If you think it’s gross, there is definitely a right and wrong on food.” Adam glared pointedly, emphasizing the word ‘wrong’ with only the gusto an Antichrist could provide.

Gabriel glanced at Brian as if looking for backup, but Brian shook his head. His glare wasn’t as strong-after all, he had to foster whatever hook had been brought in from earlier, but he wanted him to know how bad it was.

“Well sorry-!” Gabriel didn’t sound sorry, and the sarcastic jazz hands removed all doubt. “He’s a warrior, and extra blubber is extra places to get stabbed.” He cocked his head up at them and mimicked a stabbing motion.

Ash grinned back but it was a scowl. “Well good thing there was no war, huh weather boy.” 

He returned the expression. “A good thing for you indeed, fledgling.” Ash clicked her teeth together in the telltale sign that she was plotting. It wouldn’t happen today, but it would happen.  
“See? That’s what I’m talking about. Right, wrong and perception! Sorry Ash, but…well…surface area, so it’s a fact but it’s still horrible to say.”

“How is it horrible if it’s right?”

“Because you just told Ash that her papa, and our friend, would be dead because he was fat in a war zone.”

Gabriel scoffed, offended that he was accused of doing the exact thing he had done. “Stabbed doesn’t mean dead, it means stabbed!”

“And what can anyone do about that? It’s not like Aziraphale can just snap himself skinny before a fight. It takes time to lose weight! If humans want to lose weight that quick, they use surgery!” Pepper smacked her forehead in frustration. It’d be easy to stab you because you’re so tall with that logic! Can you do anything about that?”

“It’s not adjustable! I learned how to fight with that!”

“What’s to say Aziraphale can’t learn how to fight with his body?” Wensleydale pointed out.

“But it’s adjustable! Why take the risk? It’s the stamina that comes with being too fat or too skinny!”

“Oh yeah, like ‘lose the gut’ sounds like a stamina chat!” Ash snorted.

“It is if it’s the problem!”

\--

“Crowley? Is everything alright?” Crowley quickly folded the paper. He wasn’t sure how to broach this topic. Overall, having a choice of final destination was good news, especially since if the world genuinely ended, it would be difficult for Aziraphale and Crowley to stay together. It was far better than ‘rising’ or whatever they would call it if it ever became a thing. However, the catch was in the person who gave it to him. That was a life he had long since abandoned, and he hadn’t thought about in years.

“What are you looking at dearest?”

“Uh…secret menu?” For a demon, he was an awful liar. Aziraphale chuckled and sat beside him. Crowley couldn’t help the smile as the legs rubbed against one another, even though there was more than enough room for two more to sit on the couch.

“Of course. I believe you dear.” Aziraphale’s voice was prim and light, as if to say ‘I do not believe you in this moment, and if you would be so kind to spill the tea, I’d appreciate it.’  
Fine. Since he asked so nicely.

He intentionally gripped his hand over the deadname, because that was not part of the reveal, and showed Aziraphale the paper. There was a gasp, and Aziraphale’s hand went over his mouth like a regency lady who had just been proposed to and was trying and failing to keep their composure.

“That…t-that…Crowley…I…” He coughed, and turned to him with slightly teary, doe-like eyes. “I should very much like to kiss you and hug you with a great deal of passion but I’m afraid of that getting damaged.”   
Crowley’s grin split from ear to ear as he delicately put the paper to the side, keeping it away from any drinks.

In the early 2010s, some youth had either created or made the word “glomped” viral. It was perfection, and he owed them a demonic miracle as he was given the prime example of a glomp. Big, strong, thick arms wrapped around his back quickly and he found himself sandwiched between the couch and his love. The kisses were a nice touch too, with an audible ‘mwah’ that always increased Crowley’s stomach butterfly population. If Crowley moved, it would guarantee clunking his head together with the angel, so he allowed Aziraphale’s happiness to sprinkle all over until it would be safe to return the favour.

“Darling! Darling! My dear heart, my dear boy! We’ll be together forever!” There was a mixture of a laugh and a sob, both equally as joyful.

Finding it safe enough to move his head to plant a kiss on Aziraphale’s forehead, he found himself caring less and less about the circumstances of the gift. By the time Aziraphale began a long, steady kiss that he could reciprocate, Crowley was just grateful the Youngs were willing to babysit.

\---

Adam groaned. The cacophony of noise hadn’t been this intense since the week before the apocalypse and the demons tried to play ‘do it for the vine’ with the fate of the universe. Gabriel and Pepper were practically yelling, Ash was actually yelling, Brian tried to pop into the argument with no success and Wensleydale helplessly pointed at diagrams in the textbook that related to the popcorn of topics. At some point, it had gone from body weight to potential war crimes and other war related things.

This was spiraling down to nowhere fast. There had to be a better example. One that wasn’t so…passionate.

A thought came to him. It was one he had thought while showing Gabriel the attic but kept to himself because he knew it was rude. Maybe though, this had a shot.

He tapped into his power to make a minute observation. “You wear too much purple.”

It went quiet for a moment. The Them and Ash were confused about what Adam was trying to get at, and Gabriel looked aghast.

“E-excuse me? I don’t know if you’ve looked in a mirror, but you are wearing cargo pants at 11 and you have the nerve to criticize me on my appearance, small child?” Adam barely bit back a giggle, reminded of when his aunt would demand to see a manager. The small gasp and hand against his chest just made it impossible to ignore.

Certain he wouldn’t burst into giggles, Adam continued. “To me, it’s true. I have no experience with fashion, but to me, it’s true.” Before Gabriel could retort, Adam held a hand. “Even if it was objectively true, what good did I just do?”

“Absolutely none; and you are entirely incorrect. This was custom made for me, by someone who dedicated their life to studying fashion, thank you very much!” It hadn’t sunk in yet to their patient, but there seemed to be some recognition in the others. He even caught Pepper nodding her head in approval, Wensleydale frantically flipping to a page in a different textbook and Brian followed intently. For once, even Ash seemed to approve with a rare genuinely raised eyebrow.

“Okay. So you know Adam was wrong. But let’s pretend he was right. What colour is too much to wear?”

Some of the offense seemed to wear off, along with the tension in the room. “…Neons.” He made a face and shuddered, as if he had been asked to think of a foul smell.

“Let’s say for a moment that you are wearing them.” At the incredulous look, Brian held his hands in surrender. “I know, I know, but just pretend.” Gabriel closed his eyes, and to his credit appeared to be thinking very hard with scrunched eye and inward lip. Even if Adam had to elbow a snickering Ash.

“That is horrific, but go on?”

Adam piped back in. “So, let’s say I said “you wear too much neon. Now I’m right, but what good does that do?”

He opened his eyes and leaned almost smugly against the couch. “A favour. I wouldn’t look ridiculous anymore.”

“But when I say that you wear too much neon, what effect does that have on you? You’re out in public, and I didn’t see a change of clothes with you. It’s not appropriate to change in public, and if you used a miracle you’d risk everyone knowing you are an angel.”

“And a minor miracle like that would cheapen it.”

“Exactly.” Adam noted.

“Not exactly.” Ash frowned deeply. “This asshole wrote up Papa every time he looked in the wrong direction for minor miracle usage.” There was a sarcastic note on the last three words, and Gabriel rolled his eyes to a near perfect mimicry of Ash’s eyerolls.

“Minor miracles, young lady, are a waste of resources. At best, people will assume you are some form of magician. At worst, people stop believing in divine power because any old frump could do it.” He took a sip of water, in the most arrogant way water could be sipped. “There is nothing wrong with doing things manually.”

“Yeah? Funny thing about that, it wasn’t just fixing his coat that was your issue, it was healing plague victims.”

A few things happened at once. Ash had half a second to look smug before having to dodge a gushing plume of angelic spittle and water. Brian’s respect level visibly dropped alongside Pepper’s jaw and Wensleydale let out such a wince that it was near audible. Adam took in the whole situation and decided to let Gabriel defend himself before making his decision on where his opinion lay.

“What? What? Oh…that’s incredible. Absolutely incredible.” He said in a tone that implied that incredible should be replaced with ‘infuriating.’ “Oh I am sorry.” He also sounded entirely like he wasn’t sorry. “Did he somehow get the idea that because he needed to lock and unlock his bookshop door manually while on Earth that he wasn’t allowed to do his job?” There was a mix of scoffing and laughter that would have put a Broadway actor to shame.

“Well what did he get written up for?” Pepper glared.

“For minor miracles, like the damn key, the bloody crepes, the…”

“Healing of split knees, broken limbs, and theoretically mild cases of influenza.” Ash supplanted. “Or you know, anyone who was destined to die on Heaven’s command.” All anger turned on Gabriel once again, and he sputtered.

“First of all! Split knees, paper cuts and limbs heal naturally. They do not need divine influence. Healing influenza, like the common cold or flu illnesses gets in the way of humans ingenuity for treatment for the benefit of a single person. As for Heaven-engaged killings, we have specific ways of doing it. Salt pillars, sinkholes and even a particularly deserved case of imploding with instantly formed parasites! And these are the worst of the worst! Monsters and genocidal maniacs!”

“The Black Plague: boils, fevers and rapid death. Many people at the time believed it to have a supernatural outcome and it killed one third of Europe.” Wensleydale pointed out, staring Gabriel down in the eyes.  
Gabriel opted to sit down, almost a bit shakily and sipped at his water in a dead silent room with everyone too disgusted to speak, with only Ash avoiding any sense of horror with her previous knowledge.

“But…we never told him he couldn’t…that was his job…”

Of the children, Brian spoke first. “Well…it’s perception, right? If you get told constantly not to heal illnesses and injuries, especially graphic ones, you’re just going to assume your hands are tied. And you can’t say it was demonic influence…you know, unless it was, because humans always have gotten nasty diseases.”

“…The victims made it to heaven.” Gabriel sounded like he was trying to reassure someone, and Adam noted from the distinct lack of eye contact that he was reassuring himself. Sounding a bit more confident, he released whatever breath he had been holding. “The victims went to heaven, apart from a few nasty individuals.”

Pepper frowned. “This time. But that can’t be the reason its excused. It can just be the reason you can still be somewhat redeemable. You must change the policies to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Or you can miracle-“

“I don’t have powers over resurrection…that…” He chuckled. “Really isn’t my department and I can’t imagine I could even try to get promoted to it.”

Adam nodded. “So before you write someone up on Earth or say something nasty, you have to really look at the implications, and what can be allowed. So for example, you could have told Aziraphale that he wasn’t allowed to heal split knees, or this specific person who imploded or not. It’s the truth, but just saying he couldn’t heal all these things made him believe he couldn’t heal.”

“And he did heal. He just did it despite you.” Ash rushed in to restore Aziraphale’s honour. “He still wishes…never mind. Point is you fucked up because you don’t think. Because you think everyone thinks like you, and you can just say whatever you want because it all will translate.”

Pepper rolled her eyes but didn’t say a word. Adam gave a bit of a side smile. Adam knew full well that this was the exact criticism she had of Ash, and what she thought of hypocrisy. Thankfully, when she spoke it was to continue, if not shape her point. “So you need to learn how other people think. That’s hard, so at least think of the potential consequences. In telling the truth, can anything be done about an issue or do you just make them feel bad. In saying nothing, do you risk harming other people with your silence or can everyone just be happy even if they are a bit wrong. Or do you wait telling them something because it can wait, and while it isn’t good to stay silent, it’s far better if you talk to them privately.”

Gabriel was silent for a while, and even stirred his finger into the almost near empty glass. “That’s…that’s really hard.”

Adam just smiled. “Welcome to Earth.”


End file.
